Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I don't even know where to begin...

Well, I've spent alot of time avoid the facts. And the facts are I'm fat. In fact, I probably weigh more now then I did when I first started Weight Watchers the first time back in 2007.

I've been avoiding this blog for almost a year. And I don't really know why. Well, actually sitting here thinking about it, I do know why, I'm ashamed of what I've done to myself, I'm terribly unhappy with my weight and my activity level. I probably don't have any readers from my journey before, but I guess I was afraid to come back here and face the people who came to know me as this fit and healthy person who was so into cooking, running and healthy eating. I not only let myself down, I let the people who looked up to me and found inspiration in my story down.

As I sit here tonight, I feel gross. I just spent the day eating junk. I ate too much chocolate today (along with my standard healthier fare) and then topped it off with chicken tenders and french fries at applebees for dinner. When I know darn well Applebees has plenty of healthy and sensible weight watchers meals I could have chosen from, but I didn't.

It all starts with the bad choices. And I make them every single day, multiple times a day. I'm the one who chooses to put the first piece of chocolate in my mouth knowing darn well that that will lead to an uncontrollable spiral downhill where that one piece of chocolate will turn into 24 pieces, or the 2 bites of cake will turn into a 1/4 of the cake, really you get the point, once I touch a trigger food its done.

Its not only the fact that I gained weight that bothers me, it's the fact that I no longer feel sexy (even though my DH tells me I am ALL the time), and since I don't feel sexy, well it doesn't make me exactly want to take my clothes off. You get the drift.

Also, I find myself cranky, tired and unmotivated to do much. I also am finding myself putting things off until I "lose some weight", and I don't want life to pass me by. I don't want my stepson to know me as a fat, out of shape stepmom who never did anything fun with him.

I feel like alot of my bad eating habits come out of anxiety. I pace alot at work, and while I pace, I pace past the candy dish at work, and that's how I end up getting started on one piece and it leads to more.

I don't know why I get the anxiety, maybe it's more boredom then anxiety. But regardless, I need to change that habit. If I need to pace or I am bored, I need to pace elsewhere where there isn't a candy bowl.

Also, while I know breakfast is important, when I first began Weight Watchers back in 07, I spent most of the day just lightly snacking and drinking water and saved a majority of my points for at home in the evening. This worked for me, because I am generally a person who is more hungry throughout the day when I eat in the morning.

While I know it's not a generally acceptable "healthy eating practice" I am going to go back to having basically coffee and water in the morning, and introducing a few little things in the early afternoon, and I will eat a majority of my points in the evening. This worked for me at first, then I gradually started to learn to better split my points up throughout the day and eating breakfast.

So I think that is mainly my goals for the next two weeks. I only plan to weigh myself once a month (maybe sometimes during the weeks as a spot check). I would like to lose 25lbs, but I will shoot for 5lbs at a time.

For the next two weeks, I will eat most of my points in the evening. I will learn to pace elsewhere besides past the candy bowl. I will avoid trigger foods.

Tomorrow I will update all the stats on the sidebar and the ticker to reflect my current journey.

If there is anyone out there that still reads this thank you for reading this incredibly raw and long post.


Carolyn said...

You can do this Kate! I know you can! You have great determination (that much I remember!)

Fatinah said...

I could have written this post myself!